Monday, February 05, 2007

And in this corner...

K--so I told y'all about the HOA, right? Those pesky wannabe rule the worlders who weren't elected class pres.

I also told you I wanted to live in peace and if my mother got her yap going I was gonna kill her, right?

Weellllll, it might be me who needs the killin'. I have little time for the pettiness these people spread like the Norovirus. I'm busy. I hardly ever see the outside of my house because I'm in it--WORKING. A lot. Like 16-18 hours a day. So get off my back already and find another cause.

God, has no one anything better to do than police Xmas lights? She'd better watch out, or I'll make Xmas vacation look like a toddlers convention if she's not careful.

So it went down like this. I got ANOTHER note from the HOA monitor. Seems she was driving around and happened upon my festive leftover Xmas lights. I swear on all things deck the halls, I forgot this one string of lights. The one day I DID remember, I made a mental note to take it down and then lost my mental note. Snort.

Soooooo, apparently they don't much like the season is the reason mentality longer than Jan 15th and I could understand if my house were still bedazzled like it was when I spent 500 bucks on Xmas lights, but it was ONE string.

So I decide to call this wench whose mission in life is to live in Ward and June Cleaver-ville. But I'm a little pissed because this is just shy of 'you really need to get yerself some cable TV to help pass the time', ya know?

So I ring up this lovely lady who drives around the hood in her car and I intro myself, then ask her plain and simple. "Don't you watch Regis and Kelly in the morning? Aren't there some man panties of the hubby's you need to get to washin'? Cuz if my string of lights is painin' ya, then you have some serious shit to work out. So, here's the thing. I work a LOT. I'm sorry if my string of lights caused you undue grief--"

"Oh, it wasn't just the lights," she says all haughty and crap. "You have a snowman pick out there too..."

I snorted. I did. Right in her ear. "Er, that's a WINTER decoration, darling. It says "Let it Snow" and lo and behold, it did, didn't it?" We had some snow here in Texas as of late--a very rare occurence. Plus, mom digs the snowman pick and would you really want to take the joy of a stupid snowman from a 71 year old woman?

"But a snowman represents Christmas..." she protests.

"So snowmen can only cavort with the likes of you at Christmas time? otherwise you snub them as a general rule of thumb? How un-neighborly of you."

She falters and says, "I'm not sure I know what you mean."

Er, no, cuz your brain is fried from inhaling all those fumes from your car while you drive around the hood and piss people off with your stupid letters! So I say, "Look, here's the thing. The snowman is like a winter symbol. Ya know, like if I were a Steelers fan, I'd have a Steelers flag flying during football season. but forget that, here's the deal--You need to get a life. Instead of stalking people over ridiculous crap you should get satellite TV or something. They have 250 channels. Flipping through those would probably take up most of your day and if not, I'd bet you got some grout that needs scrubbin'. I KNOW you have some tacky curtains that need replacin'. So go do some stuff at YOUR house--like right into dinner time when you should be cooking for your family, not counting trash cans and picking on defenseless snowmen. So here's how it's going to go. I'm going to keep ignoring your lame rule about the trash can, but I'll take down the Xmas light string so you don't lose your mind from the eyesore I'm sure it's become. Okay?"

And she says... "Um, I think so."

And I hang up because really, I have a string of lights to take down and that's going to take at LEAST all of an hour.

Another kill in the bag, baby :)

My mother would be sooooo proud. Too bad she's in Cancun on a cruise, eh? LMAO

Dakota :)


  • At 12:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    A snowman is a Christmas symbol?
    WTF?! - Were there were snowmen gathered around the manger?

    I think you were very nice to call that poor lady and talk to her. Obviously no one ever calls her and talks to her. Obviously she is one lonely sad lady. I think you should make it your Christian duty to go out of your way to make sure that lady gets at least one phone call a day. I suggest sneaking santa and his reindeer statues onto her lawn one night, or maybe a couple strings of colored lights in her magnolia tree.

  • At 12:56 AM, Anonymous Sheryl said…

    Can I say "duh" seriously this woman needs a life besides driving around your neighborhood looking for minor things that are wrong.

    GO KOTA!!!!

    You done your Mom proud DC.


    PS - Maybe your should make a snowman just to piss her off? LOL

  • At 12:59 AM, Anonymous Sheryl said…

    oh yeah and I would have left the lights there just to see if she would say something else.

    tee hee...I love pissing people off..especially if they're petty.


  • At 5:16 AM, Blogger Bonita said…

    OMG, LMHO -- this lady needs to get a life! Maybe I can send you my Gingerbread House and Gingerbread people to put up for the rest of your winter decor! LOL

  • At 7:04 AM, Blogger Michelle said…

    ~smiles~ mom will be so proud!!!

  • At 7:53 AM, Blogger Marissa said…

    You go Girl!! That poor woman!!

  • At 9:10 AM, Blogger Terri said…

    DAMN some people just have NO life. Maybe you should send her a male escort or better yet one of your books to keep her busy.

    Then let your Mom loose on her :)


  • At 9:37 AM, Blogger Dakota Cassidy said…

    You know, I think the funniest thing here is she takes this shit SERIOUSLY. Like she means it.

    That she didn't get it, didn't surprise me. However, I REFUSE to move my garbage can. LOLLOL

    DC :)

  • At 10:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Okay - I'm playing 'catch up'! Sounds like I need to make a pilgrimage north to the Cassidy Casa and bring lots and lots of toilet paper.... I used to be able to fling it over a tree in one swoop, ya know?

  • At 1:43 PM, Blogger Maura said…

    Maybe a trash can festooned with blinking xmas lights!!!

  • At 10:05 PM, Blogger kinky courtesan said…

    I would fork her lawn. Buy a lot of plastic forks, and stick them in the ground (fork side down). Then you grease the handles... They don't come out for anything!!! HAHHHAHAHAHAH! so i'm finally 20 and had 3 guys vying for my attention.... then... what the fuck! seriously!!! they all disappear!!! calling all men calling all men... i would like to be contacted again!! FUCK!


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