Trauma: Life in the ER

Snort. I watch that show all the time. it's on Discovery Health and we were stuck on it this summer when nothing else was on. R and I did a summer-long stint with it. We were glued to every episode at 1 in the morning.

You know why these people are so traumatized? Um, cuz they saw the bill afterward.

Yesterday, I had to go to the ER.

I always joke that if I ever have to go to the hospital, I want my kids to take me out back and shoot me. Today--I ain't jokin'. LMAO

I say this because it's costly and with no insurance for me, the self employed, it's just nuts. R had to go this weekend for something rather minor and when I saw the bill and the uninsured amount he ended up paying, I thought, oh, not so bad. It was like 350 bucks. R had a swollen uvula. You know the thing that looks like a punching bag in the back of your mouth? it looked like a basketball laying on his tongue. LOL. it was swollen and red and wobbling back there, blocking his throat and giving him a tough time swallowing.

Turns out he had a virus and they gave him a shot of steroids and all was good. He's fine now.

As for me--not so fine. I've been having some serious stomach issues. It's been about a month and a half since it started and yesterday, it got so bad, I couldn't put my feet on the ground. It hurts all the time. sometimes it's a dull ache. sometimes it's more severe. I was dizzy and I broke out in a sweat. I NEVER sweat. The pains range from lower abdomen to under my ribs and yesterday, they were firmly rooted in my lower abdomen. I think maybe an ulcer. I've had one of those too and it hurts, just not quite like this, but maybe they vary. My stomach is also bloated and swollen which led me to believe, the open thighs, insert torture device doc might be needed.

Now, let me preface this by saying, I'm not much for doctors. I don't cry when I get a paper cut (unless it ruins a good manicure). I had a baby on those drugs that induce labor with nary a word spoken. Just a grunt or two. In essence--I ain't no pansy.

But hellllooooo--this almost (almost) equaled the kidney stones I got after I so valiantly had my kid. Now THAT is ungodly pain. And for weeks after, I suffered because it turns out they ripped my insides all up. 'Twas dreadful.

So I kinda knew it wasn't kidney stones, I just knew it was something and I couldn't take it anymore. So with R's not so bad bill in mind, me and the oldest monster go to the ER. I've been there a few times with him because he's had a couple of accidents. He had stitches and he got his toe caught in a car wash thingy when he was working at a car wash. They were quick and efficient and I liked that.

I figure, I'll be in and out in no time.

HAH!

The drive over was painful. Every freakin' bump in the road hurt. I joked with my kid that my uterus was gonna fall out and he'd have to carry it in to the ER.

he turned a whiter shade of pale and said, "Really?"

Sigh. So I'm sure this has something to do with my ovaries or like my girly parts and I'm ready to give those bad boys up without a fight. You will not hear me complain that I'm only half a woman without her uterus. I say--yank the friggin' thing out. It's nothing but trouble.

We arrive at the ER at 1 in the afternoon. I sign in, I sit down with the kid -- whose arm I've stretched out of shape from grabbing it. I wait.

I don't wait long even though it's packed. I figure this is a good sign. Um, NO. They call me, I tell them the trouble, I have all my stats taken and I go to a room.

Almost IMMEDIATELY Doogie Howser shows up. Fresh-faced, clean, cute as a button. I figure, yee haw, he's going to have to lay hands on me. That's a nice way to cop a free feel when you're forty, yes?

Um, no. Though he does ask what's wrong. I tell him. My ovaries are going to explode--what can ya give me to stop the pain? He laughs. He says a cat scan is in order and he says he's going to give me an IV with some Motrin. EXCELLENT. I'm ready to find out that my innards are damaged and need to be removed poste haste. I'm not sure how I'll pay for it, but I don't care. take them OUT.

A couple of minutes later, Nurse Thinkshe'sacomedian shows up and hooks me up with an IV. This dude was icky. he needs a roto rooter for his nostril hairs and boy, does he ever think he missed his calling in nursing. He thought he was a gas. I thought he was a tard, but who am I to argue when he's got the good stuff and I need it. He gives me the IV with the meds and wants a urine sample. I'm all about the urine sample. I gotta go--I fill 'er up and go back to my bed.

Five minutes later, the cat scan dude arrives and whisks me off. Now, I'm not thinking cost here. it's all of five minutes and I'm thinking how bad could that be? Breathe in--breathe out--it's over. I'm taken back to my room and my kids gone to get something to eat.

I remain in my room for FIVE HOURS. No word. I'm bored out of my MIND and I want out. I try to pass the time peacefully. I make up stories in my head. I make up more stories in my head. I have no stories left after five hours. My muse it at now at McDonalds having a Big Mac and I wanna join her.

I'm not happy come 6 o'clock. Not happy at all. I'm hungry. I'm thirsty and I want OUT. R calls in the middle of this and he's on his way. Just as he shows up I've finished very politely telling the nice male nurse at the nurses station that I'm going home. I hold up my hand and say, "See this? I'm taking it out, getting dressed, paying the bill and going HOME. Buh-bye."

He says there are four people ahead of me, waiting to have their test results read and he's sorry. he'll see what he can do. Oh, good. Glad to hear it. I'm out. Call me with the results.

ironically, all those before me fell to the wayside when I said I was leaving. Doogie shows back up like a nanosecond later, just as cute as ever, concerned that I'm going home. Hell, yeah I'm going home. This is ridiculous. How long does it take to look at a CAT scan? You're not solving rubics cube, for shit's sake.

Turns out, nothing is wrong. All of my organs are FAB. Like a 20 year olds. Good as new. My first thought was damn it all, I wanted my uterus taken out so I could hang it on my wall in memorandum. My second thought is, WTF? Doogie says I have a kidney stone that hasn't passed, but that's not the problem. I say SHIT, I never want to do that again, take it out. He says it could pass between now and when I'm 70. That's not the problem. it isn't what's causing me the pain. Could be a gastro problem, or possibly a prob for the OBGYN.

Oh.

Hookay, then. Good. Now I'm going home. The Motrin helped and I just want out. I tell him I'm taking out my IV. He laughs and says, "Oh, no. I'll get the nurse." Groovy. Hurry it the hell up.

Again, I wait. Just as I'm about to take it out, and R is yelling at me to stop it now, the nurse shows up. The comedian. He yanks out my IV and I go to pay my bill.

I really shoulda considered ending it all BEFORE I got to the paying portion of this damned event.

Ya ready?

THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS.

And that's with the fricken' uninsured discount.

I asked the nice discharge lady what they thought they had going on in there? I sure as crap didn't stay in the Presidential Suite and the room service SUCKS. While the eyeball candy was okay, I don't pay for my cheap thrills--so you can knock that off my list of room charges. She giggles. Cuz ya know, I'm funny and all. She explains the charges. She also asks about my very interesting job as a writer. I had to fill out a form with my occupation. I tell her all her questions about my job will be answered when she finds herself whacked in one of my books. She giggles again and tells me that she realizes it's expensive.

I say, "Really? What about 3k is expensive? For that amount and the kind of care I got, I should be leaving with the meaning of life."

She giggles again and hands me my bill. I throw her a couple of hundreds and hit the parking lot.

it isn't just my stomach that hurts today.

Dakota :)