Dear Murphy Police Dept--AKA--S.W.A.T.

Dudes--have you no racoons to corral? A nice domestic brawl between Jeb and Jolene to sort through? A possible felony, involving a six-pack and some chew?

Y'all are the most overzealous bunch of short pants wearin', flashy badge sportin', law enforcers I ever done seen.

So here's the scoop--I'm all law abiding, driving along in my residential area, right? I come to a four way stop and of course, law abider that I am, I come to a complete STOP. Not one of those rolling thingies like those Californians do. A total eclipse of my car. (Why do they call it a California stop anyway?). I look up at the median that divides this four-way and for the merest of moments, I swear on all things traffic-like, I thought the nice police lady was going to shoot me.

I was a little distracted, I admit. However, when I look up--at again I say, A STOP SIGN, I see this nice lady police officer holding a gun up and pointin it at me. Granted, it was a HUGE, oversized gun. But how the hell am I supposed to know if that's not the latest in MPD technology? Like maybe they discovered bigger is better and this new-fangled gadget offers a WIDE spray of bullets to catch all of the bad guys at once? I mean, I don't hang out at the police station much. I don't read Cops Weekly or Glock Digest.

Okay, okay, so it was a RADAR GUN, but Jesus effin', my heart did a complete dive for my feet when I caught it by quick glance. I swear I thought she had a REAL GUN!

And she was holding it like she did too. I mean, I realize the crime here in little 'ole Murphy is minimal and probably the best chance of locking someone up in the pokey is to catch them speeding, but for, fuck's sake--you scared me so badly, I had to make potties. LMAO

So look, darling, from me to you. We ALL wanted to be Farrah (well, I wanted to be Jacqueline) and we all flung our hair around in the mirror, holding up our hairbrushes as faux guns. But could you do that, say maybe where they really NEED you to exercise your authority. Like where the bad guys are? Cuz I afear, you probably won't find many folks speeding at A STOP SIGN.

This isn't the mean streets of NYC. It's a small town and yes, bad stuff happens, I'm sure. You're all to be commended for keeping us safe from horrors gone unknown to us whilst we sleep in our cushy beds. And I do realize Hyundai's can do like 100 MPH. So I completely understand your suspicion of me. But Jesus, Mary and all the apostles--I am OLD. I can't take that kind of fright. I'm well on my way to brittle bone disease and I nearly cracked a rib just gasping out loud.

So could you be kinder to this old broad in the future? if you must wave that thing around, do it in the direction of someone who looks like he could be armed and speeding, would ya?

Oh, and the color black? not so much in your color wheel. Maybe you could speak to the nice head honcho at your pretend NYPD precinct and see if he'll consider a lovely pastel pink. I can pick a color in your color wheel from 100 paces and pink is soooooooo you. LOLLOL

Dakota :) who seriously appreciates the vehemence and dedication with which you held that radar gun. it was VERY Tomb Raider slash Matrix. Dakota also appreciates the fine work you do to make her town a safe haven--she just wishes you wouldn't do it when she's driving. LMAO