Thursday, September 29, 2005

We are family

Had dinner with my entire family tonight. Have I told you about them yet? I know I've mentioned mom who is my right hand, but have I mentioned Dad and Uncle Harry?

Here, lemme share some DC family history. Okay, Dad and mom drive each other nuts--they HATE living together, but are still married. Yep--fifty some odd years now. However, mom lives with me and dad lives with his brother Uncle Harry in a swinging bachelor pad called--pigsty :)

Yes, that's right--they do NOT share space--probably because they'd suck each other's life force up if they did--or, mine. When we decided to move to TX, my dad said he didn't want my sons to have to be driven nuts by Uncle Harry--a man who thinks the cat litter box is a tape recording device for the CIA AND Interpol. Yeah, he's had more lucid moments, no doubt. My dad really loves being free to watch the Weather Channel all day without mom bugging him, so he made that Uncle Harry thing up. LMAO

Actually, Uncle Harry is our family nutso, but I gotta love a guy who can spar with my mother and make her red in the face. He slays me. Uncle Harry calls me "good lookin'" OR "hot tamale", cuz he doesn't know my name and can't remember it. Tee hee.

Alright, so like I said, I'm adopted and I don't say that because they're all a bunch of nuts I kid myself into thinking I'm not like because they're crazy--they're just a diff kind of crazy than me. Most times, they don't get my jokes. Nor do they want to. Yet, they love me just the same and I DID win forty titles as a BQ for the family trophy display, ya know? LOLLOL

Sooooo, we are much different in many ways, but I adore them nonetheless.They adore me too--so they took me out for my birthday a day early. We had dinner at a restaurant called Love and War in TX.

OY.

So, the evening begins like this--Mom and me and kids arrive in one car--dad and Uncle Harry in another. We meet in the parking lot and Dakota scoots off to get a table for six. Dad bursts through the door and envelopes Dakota in a big 'ole bear hug and says, "Hello, princess! You don't look a day over twenty-five. Isn't she pretty, Harry?"

Uncle Harry smiles lasciviously and nods--he really doesn't know I'm his niece most days. LOLLOL

Dad says, "Where's that young man of yours? You know," nudge-nudge, wink, wink, "the new beau?"

I say, "I didn't know he was invited, daddy, otherwise, I'd have told him."

Dad smiles and winks. "Any young man who can make my pretty smile the way your mom tells me he does, can have dinner on me anytime."

Double OY.

Hookay--so we sit and dad wants to know all about R. I give up the info with ease because I know daddy can't hear most of what I say because the music is a smidge loud. I tell him how R and I bang all night long and daddy smiles and says, "I'm so happy for you, princess."

See what I mean? Deaf.

Meanwhile the nice young boy comes to take our order as my sons snicker behind their hands because this is where the fun begins. Ordering is a HUGE event because neither of my parents can hear and my Uncle always forgets his glasses. I read, repeat, read some more, repeat what I read three times ago, mediate, and again FRICKEN' REPEAT while trying to keep track of five people--what they ordered--what kind of salad dressing--how they like their steaks cooked and reminding my sons to say please and thank you.

Mom--they have shrimp as an appetizer.
Dad--who wants a ship for an appetizer?
Dakota--no, daddy they have SHR-IMP. Ya know, like the kind that swim? (See Dakota do the backstroke).
Dad--Ahhhh, fish. I want shrimp then.
Waiter--Sir, what would you like to drink?
Dad--Got any sweet tea?
Waiter--No, Sir. Just unsweetened.
Dad--I'll have the sweet tea, then.
Dakota--No, Daddy. It's unsweetened. (See Dakota and her sons hold up the packets of sugar and make the sign of the cross).
Dad--Ahhhhh, then I'd like water.
Dakota--smiles at the poor waiter--ten minutes into our visit to his illustrious establishment and mouths--forgive us.

Round Two--Appetizers

Dad--Princess, what would you like for an appetizer?
Dakota--No, thanks, Daddy. I'm good.
Dad--Princess, you need to eat.
Dakota--Daddy, I DO eat. Look at my thighs--they could feed a small country.
Uncle Harry--Better yet, let me look at your thighs.
Mom--Harry! Mind your manners!
Uncle Harry--who says I can't appreciate the beauty of a woman?
Dad--because she's your NEICE.
Uncle Harry--Ahhhhhh, well she still has nice thighs.
Dakota and sons--ROFLOL

Round Three--Ordering Dinner

Mom--what do you suggest, sweetheart?
Dakota--I dunno, Mom. Whatever you'd like.
Mom--Darling, you've been on lots and lots of dates. Surely you've been here on one?
Dakota--No, mom. I'm not that much of a slut. Mostly it was just coffee I had when I dated.
Mom--How could you be in a rut so early in your relationship with R?
Dakota--BIG SIGH. Mom, I've only been here a couple of times. I had the brisket with R. Try that.

Round Three and a half--Dinner is served

Mom--Oh, this is pretty what is it--
Dakota--MOM! No, don't put that in your mouth it's a jalep--
Mom--Chugalugs water, fans self with napkin, looks accusingly at Dakota. It's HOT. Why didn't you tell me?
Boys and Uncle Hary--ROFLOL
Dakota--Jalepeno pepper. They're very hot...
Dad--what kind of a place tries to burn your tongue off? Pats mom on back.
Waiter--is everything alright?
Mom--sputters.
Boys and Uncle Harry--LOL
Dad--demands bread from nice waiter boy--still patting mom on back.
Dakota--(before all hell breaks loose). Could we please have some bread? mom had an accident.
Dad--Princess, you're not eating.
Dakota--wipes sludge from ribs off her mouth with her hand and burps. Am too...
Dad--Princess, that's not enough to keep a bird alive.
Boys--(simultaneously) she has to watch her THIGHS
Dakota--sighs and burps again (delicately, of course) Shoves next rib in mouth--K, daddy.
Uncle Harry--Blows nose and looks at it. (What is that anyway?). Wow, that's suuuummm hot sauce.
Dakota--Yes, Uncle Harry. That's why it's called Three alarm fire Hot sauce. Here, have a napkin to wipe your eyes.
Uncle Harry--winks and smiles. How about YOU do that for me, hot stuff?
Boys and Dad--ROFLOL
Mom--Harry? If I have to tell you once more to BEHAVE...
Dakota--ROFLOL. Whispers to Uncle Harry--I think she means it, Uncle Harry...Shhh, or she'll call the CIA and rat yer butt out.

Round Four--Happy Birthday, Princess!

Uncle Harry--open your card there, girlie.
Dakota--(hesitantly) Hookay...opens card and giggles.
Mom--Harry, if there's something in there that's naughty--
Dakota and Boys--ROFLOAO.
Dakota--No, it's very sweet, Mom. It says he wants to date me, see?
Dad--Mate with you? Harry, you better not have said--
Dakota--DADDY! I was kidding. He didn't really say that...
Mom and Boys--ROFLOL
Uncle Harry--(ducking) For God's SAKE, Chief--I'd never say such a thing. She's my NEICE!Dad--Do you want dessert, princess?
Mom and Uncle Harry and boys--It's not good for her thighs...
Mom--How about we tell mom why we think she's so special. Let's take turns
Dakota--OY
Dad--because she's my princess. Isn't she gorgeous? (asks waiter)
Dakota--OY
Waiter--absolutely, Sir. Smiles politely and scurries away, praying big tip follows.
Mom--because she's beautiful and has a good heart and she pays the mortgage.
Dakota--ROFLOL
Number One Son--Cuz she's down wit rap and she hangs out wit me.
Number Two Son--Um, she makes good brownies?

Well, it's true--I DO make good brownies :)

Alas, another birthday massac--er, dinner was survived by all.

Did I mention I'm not much of a drinker?

Could we book AA for me so next year I'll have advanced seating? LOLLOL

Honest, I love my folks and as nuts as a night out with them makes me, I so appreciate the love, support and never ending help they give me. AND I love crazy Uncle Harry (just not that way). LMAO

DC :)

8 Comments:

  • At 1:12 AM, Blogger Jaynie R said…

    ROFLAO @ Uncle Harry - that's great.

    So Dad hasn't met R yet? Oh boy - that could be fun lol

    Happy Birthday gorgeous - ya know I love ya, just not like Uncle Harry - OY

     
  • At 1:54 AM, Anonymous Sheryl said…

    OMG!! Your family is hilarious!!! Can I adopt you??? LOL

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABE!!!

    May you be blessed with many more and all the love in the world.

    Love ya Kota.

    Hugs,
    Sheryl

     
  • At 4:54 AM, Anonymous Paula said…

    HAPPY B-DAY DARLING!!!!

    Having shared a meal with you, Mom and the boys I can only imagine the addition of Dad and Uncle Harry!

    Sounds like you all had a great time.

    Hope you have a fabulous day, babe!
    Paula

     
  • At 7:37 AM, Blogger Cheyenne McCray said…

    God, you have the most entertaining blog I've ever read, Dakota. It's like getting a chance to see you in person. :-) LOL

    Hugs,

    Chey

     
  • At 11:46 AM, Blogger The Library Diva said…

    Happy B-day Dakota!

    And I have to agree with Cheyenne. Reading your blog is almost as fun as having a sitdown conversation with you. Thanks for keeping babes across the world up to date with your many adventures! :-)

     
  • At 11:52 AM, Blogger Dakota Cassidy said…

    LMAO--Jaynie--I love you back!

    P--same here and thanks, babe :)

    Sheryl--OMG--we'll be over for dinner--My peeps are waaaay excited to meet you. Get out the flash cards. LOL

    Chey--LOL--glad I can still come across via cyber space as the whack job I really am in person. LOL

    Ms. LD--how are ya, babe? Ya comin' to hang with us RT 2006? LOL

    Thanks, guys
    Dakota :)

     
  • At 12:18 PM, Blogger The Library Diva said…

    Of course I'm going to RT 2006! I wouldn't miss the chance to hand with you guys again. :-)

     
  • At 12:23 PM, Blogger Dakota Cassidy said…

    OMG--did we "hand" you? Did Michelle touch you innapropriately? LOLLOL. I'm kidding.

    Cool beans, babe--can't WAIT!

    DC :)

     

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