So this is love

Okay, so we've established that Dakota is in love, yes? Head over heels, stupid and breathlessly in love.

See me wipe the sweat from my brow. Tee hee :)

We've also established that I suck at verbal expression like a Hoover vacuum cleaner, yes? Further, we've established that R is VERY good at verbal expression and even better at dragging me along with him.

He did say I love you first, right? I would have been fucked and feathered before I'd said it first--that took guts. I knew he'd fallen in love with me. I knew I'd fallen in love with him, it was just a matter of time before the words were spoken. So I waited like any good hunter would do whilst they snare small prey. LOLLOL. I'm kidding, of course. Nevertheless, he said it first.

He still says it FIRST.

The key word here is first. So I gotta ask ya, WTF is my problem? Why is saying the words, now that they've been spoken and confirmed, so damn scary for me? Honest to GOD, it's like walking a tightrope every single time for me and I don't get it. My throat closes up, my cheeks get flushed and my stomach does this Mary Lou Retton somersault off the parallel bars.

I hardly ever told the ex. When he'd say it, I'd smile and think, that's nice. Probably because I didn't believe it--and I was right not to. LOL. But I KNOW R loves me. I KNOW I love him. I know this as well as I know that tomorrow will come or another flame war on a Yahoo group will happen. I know him almost as well as I know myself. Same brain, same thoughts, same wavelength.

I'd love to freely speak the words now, thank you very much. I think it a lot. I thought it just last night at the movies when he had popcorn butter all over his lips and he leaned over to kiss me, smooshing the butter onto my lips. It cracked me up. His ability to make me laugh is almost what I love most about him.

I say almost, because there are a zillion things I love about him. I love that he talks TO me, not at me. I love that he does the Dr. Phil voice when I'm having a good freak and therapies me out of my shit with a soothing, "Bunny..." I love that no matter where we are, even when we go to Circuit City to buy a fricken' TIVO, he holds my damn hand or has his arm around me. He smooches me publicly too. Not all pornographic like, but nonetheless, he's never very far from me. He seems to care little about anything else other than that we're together. I love that R is also very good at making me feel like I'm the only woman on earth. He does that with an ease I haven't quite grasped yet. Sometimes, it's almost like there isn't anyone else, even when we're with a bunch of techie nerds in a freakin' electronics store.

I love that he'll drop everything to come and rub my back when I feel like shit. I love that he snuggles with me and has no ulterior motive but the snuggle. I love that he'll kiss me until the cows come home because he knows that's my most favorite thing to do. I love that he tells me everything he likes about me. He never keeps how he feels about what I look like on a particular date, or that he likes kissing me to himself. He's a good sharer.

I love that he's as consistent as daybreak in his thoughts, actions and words. I love that he'll stop me in the middle of the movie parking lot to get a kiss from me. I love that he sticks up for my sons even when I won't because they're boys and he's one too--so he understands. LOL. I love that he'll talk on the phone with me for hours and even if we say nothing while we're watching TV, it's a comfortable silence shared with one another because we really dig hanging out together.

I love that each and every time I see him, my heart does that stupid thumping thing in my chest. I love that it happens when he IM's and calls too. I love that he isn't ashamed to admit he feels the same way. I love that he smiles as me all moony eyed and he can get me to return the favor just as moony.

I especially love that he knows I come with some baggage and he overlooks it, works around it, plows through it. I love that he talked me into this nutty escapade with as many positives as I had negatives and he did it without yelling--not even once. LOL. I love that he's patient with me when I could genuinely try the patience of Job. I love that I can't remember what we did before we found each other because it means we haven't trashed each other's lives--we've enhanced them. I love that he takes the lead and let's me follow lamely behind in this whole relationship thing because my example of a relationship is so skewed. I love that he fulfills me, but doesn't consume me.

So after all that, you'd think I'd have no trouble with the words--I LOVE YOU. Yet, I do. I have loads of trouble with eye contact too. I tell my sons everyday. I tell my mom. I tell my friends--so what the hell?R says it's cute the way I choke on the words.

I say, words often times need to accompany actions. How much Chocolate Chip Mint ice cream can ya give a guy to say I love you?

So, I'm going to work on it. Blogging seems to be my form of therapy as of late--hence, here I am, laying all my crap out in a public forum.

Now, I'm going to go and practice saying it out loud in the mirror and making eye contact.

I'm going to get so damn good at it--even my mail lady will know I love her. LOL

Dakota :)