It's oh so quiet :)

So here I am blogging about my love life-- AGAIN. Ya sick of me yet? LOL. Jaynie makes me blog so I can keep my link to hers and she's like way popular. I can't afford to lose my connections. LMAO. This poor boyfriend of mine probably wishes he'd hooked up with the chick who works the courtesy counter at Target. LOLLOL

Last night the b/f calls me and says let's go for a ride. He has a pretty unique job that affords him a diff car nearly every time I see him. I think the nice married couples in my hood think I'm 'ho personified because he's had three different cars on several visits to my house. LOLLOL.

So we went for a ride in a really cool Cadillac convertible. Has every bell and whistle known to man and some that are still as yet discovered by the average car buyer. I love lights and buttons. They make me so happy. I'll never know how to use them, but I love them just the same. It's the pretty, shiny theory with me. if it has movement or lights, I'm there. I don't get it per se, but I'm fascinated by it just the same.

Like I said, we went for a drive. A nice long drive along some roads I'd never been on and probably couldn't find again even with that Onstar thingy. I've never gone for a ride just for the sake of going. Never. I know that sounds odd, but most times if I went somewhere by myself it was because I was tormented by one thing or another--or we needed milk :)

Can I tell you what a pleasure it was to just zip off and meander for no other reason than to meander? it's pretty romantic and I can't believe I'm putting that out here in the written word. I need my tongue yanked out of my head for sharing all of this stuff that can be used against me later. LOLLOL. I'm getting better at the girlie stuff, I think. I've just given in to it, I suppose.

Honestly, I'm at the point that I don't really care anymore. What does this say about me? What does this whole new period in my life mean? Most likely nothing to anyone but me. Ask me if I care? LOL

So this drive we took--it was pretty warm out-- and I've never ridden in a convertible, but it's pretty cool. I think my hair (of which I have MUCH) is forever tangled now, but I found I didn't much care about that either. We held hands and did all the silly, teenaged stuff couples are want to do at like stoplights. Snicker.

I discovered something about this whole sharing a brain thing. I genuinely thought knowing each other so well would inhibit much in the way of surprise, but it hasn't. I was surprised that we could just be quiet and forget most everything but the pleasure of just hanging out. We didn't spend all of our time cracking wise and we didn't talk a lot.

We just were and that was the biggest surprise of all. I was able to share space with a person of the opposite sex and just be. I didn't have to feel obligated to be cute, or funny, or cunning or anything and that, in and of itself, was freeing in a way it's never quite been before. I had absolutely nothing on my mind other than relaxing with someone I love hanging out with.

My past relationship wasn't ever like that. Not once. I spent all of my time devising new ways to stay ahead of the game I played in my marriage. I spent the rest worrying about what was next--which shoe would drop first--which avenue I should take to keep things together for everyone but me. It was like that from the very start and I don't know that I realized it was unhealthy to plot and plan the way I did--it just was what it was and I adapted to it to suit everyone else but me. I didn't know how much it took out of me. I didn't know how little I had left to offer to the pot of my own self fulfillment when I was done filling up his. I didn't realize the energy I'd expended playing all the games I played to keep my head above water.

I gotta say, sinking was the best thing I could have ever done for myself when I chose to pack up and leave and live like a pauper. Now floating seems really easy:)

My head is NEVER silent--but it was last night. I'm not sure what all of this peace means in my head. Maybe I'm losing my edge? I think I could live with that if it meant I could exchange it for the utter quiet my typical brain swirl was in.

This whole month has been a lesson for which I've grown in my typical warp speed fashion. It's also been one of the best I've ever had--even with the angst over "the kiss" and all the other stuff that followed. I learned to manage on my own after my divorce. I learned to feel utterly complete all by myself. I liked me a lot and part of coming to like myself again was owning up to what I'd done to help the demise of my marriage. Yeah, he did some crappy stuff, but I let him and that was something I had to come to terms with. I did and while I'm not proud of it--I am proud of the fact that I can now share my weight in the responsibility of enabling someone to create such chaos. it didn't make me very proud for a long time--but the growth from it sure does.

I also learned that being single was okay. Letting myself discover things at the rate I chose to was euphoric at best. Knowing I could do whatever I wanted, almost whenever, was invigorating.

Knowing I can still do that and the person I now have a relationship with isn't asking me to change anything about me is even cooler by far :)

Dakota :)