Monday, June 06, 2005

Paris Hilton ain't got nuthin' on me

and I do mean, NUTHIN'. She has a pretty high profile social life--mine's just a bit lower profile--and maybe a smite more middle class.

But I got one to rival hers all of a sudden and I'll be damned if I can keep up.

So I told ya about the date site, right?

WTF was I thinking?

Heavens to mergatroid.

I know I complained no one would want to date me. I know I whined and moaned I'd never have sex again. Hell, I couldn't even get a kiss.

However, I think a brighter horizon on my bleak desert is available and on it, many, many mirages :)

I've been getting oodles of e-mail. I'm booked for weeks now. Cancellation must occur 24 hours prior to date day or you will be charged. LMAO

I genuinely can't keep up--or fend guys off and make them wait until I can catch up. They're like petulant little children if you mention you might not be available until the moon rises in the house of freakin' Jupiter and the stars are aligned with Mars and Venus. "But, Dakota," they whine. "Whhyyyyyy can't you just squeeze in a caramel mocha latte while you write books, clean the house, pay the bills, mow the yard, acknowledge your mother, grocery shop, address the two devil spawn you birthed, do the laundry, cook dinner (gasping for breath) AND breathe?"

In essence--they're killin' this broad.

I have sticky notes pasted to my office desk with names of my prey--if they have the same names (do you know how many Bob's want to date me? LMAO) I have identifiers like-- Bob 1 likes to ski and Bob 2 hates shell fish. Hair color--profile remarks that highlight WHY I liked them in the first damn place.


Honestly, you'd think I was Tyra Banks for all of the e-mail I get, which is just plain silly. I'm okay looking--I get by. I ain't no hard body--I ain't even a semi-hard body and yet, they come in droves.

Which brings me to Paris.

She has oodles of dates, yet she doesn't seem to look too harried by it. I, on the other hand, am bedraggled--haggard--whooped.

Yet, this hasn't stopped me.

Why, you ask?

Cuz, hells bells, who knew?

I mean, honestly--who knew that the variety of men was so vast? I had no clue. It's like being in the chocolate store and having your pick of five hundred flavors. I want to taste all of them--even if it's just a nibble.

I can't afford much more than that because my thighs would just get ugly. tee hee :)

So, here I am. Going out on two or three dates a week and having a shitload of fun :)

I am officially date slut--a 'ho for some Starbucks coffee and conversation. Hell, I've been to Starbucks so many times that I know all of the employees AND their family members. We're planning a Secret Santa for the coming holidays. There's talk of naming a coffee after me. LOLLOL

So what's a girl to do?

What does Paris do?

I need to borrow her public relations rep. Maybe she could get me one of those palm thingys and I could make spread sheets. A power point presentation even...

If I could find the almost right guy, I'd wipe out my profile altogether on that site. No such luck, Chuck. Not even close. Because for all the dates I've been on, very little spark occurs.

Shoot, if I could get just a glimmer of a spark, I'd be on the ground blowin' on that baby for all she's worth so I could have a flicker of a flame and a hand to hold at the movies.

Maybe it's me? Maybe because I didn't do this when I was in my 20's, I'm makin' up for lost time?

I dunno...

I do know--if I don't come close sometime soon, I'm never having sex again. That would SO suck, don't you agree?

Then my only date really will be with a BOB-- of the purple and pink variety.

Could someone pass the triple A's, please?


Dakota :)


  • At 2:24 AM, Blogger Jaynie R said…

    Dude - no spark with the funny guy? What a bummer. Maybe you should stop trying so hard and just keep having fun. Eventually the spark will arrive, and who knows - it could come from a totally unexpected source.

    (...and no Joy - I don't mean you hon.)

  • At 11:40 AM, Anonymous Sasha said…

    I have to say Dakota. I've been on an on-line date site before, and told myself I'd never do it again, but your blogs are making me think maybe I had the wrong attitude. Mayvbe it could be FUN. Imight try it again.

    Keep at it.

  • At 12:41 PM, Blogger Dakota Cassidy said…

    Hey, Sasha!

    I'd highly recommend it--even just for it's entertainment value alone. I can't say it'll all be good--but what's a whack job or two when it comes to the hunt and kill of the man of your dreams? LMAO

    Good luck!

    Dakota :)

  • At 12:58 PM, Blogger Karen Scott said…

    Sorry about the lack of spark with date number three, but hey, what's the fun in finding your prince with the twelve inch dick immediately? If you don't kiss a few toads first, you'll never appreciate how fabulous the prince is once you find him.

    Dear Deidre

  • At 1:08 PM, Blogger Dakota Cassidy said…

    Dear Deirdre,

    Got any pointers on exactly how one finds the 12 incher without asking her potential package carrier to disrobe?


    Thanks, Karen--you crack me up!

    Dakota :)

  • At 4:38 PM, Blogger Karen Scott said…

    Dear Dakota

    Just look for the third leg. That's usually a giveaway. Either that or maybe you could just ask him his precise measurements.

    A word to the wise, if he scratches his nether regions too often, you may have to consider the possibility of genital warts/herpes. Even twelve inches will not compensate for the onslaught of the clap. It is unseemly for a woman to be scratching in public.

    Dear Deidre - Advocate of safe sex

  • At 4:44 PM, Blogger Dakota Cassidy said…

    OMG--you HAVE to stop that, dammit! I spewed my daggone coffee. LOLLOL

    Okay--so, look for scratching and clapping--gotcha.

    Bless you, darling--I don't know where I'd be without your sage wisdom. LOLLOL

    DC :)

  • At 4:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    "I'd be on the ground blowin' on that baby"

    I am SHOCKED! You'd do that on the first date? Day-um Dakota ;)


  • At 4:13 PM, Anonymous Sasha said…

    Hey Dakota? I believe I'll join soon. Entertainment? I need entertainment. ANd uhmm maybe some insipration too! ;)

    WHere are you anyway? I'm waiting to hear more of whts going on..... ;)


Post a Comment

<< Home

Powered by Blogger