Sunday, May 08, 2005

Stupidheads part TWO

Yeah, I know--you thought you heard it all, however, I have more stupid head entries.

I'm pleased to announce that this one is the stupidhead of the month. He far surpasses my last stupidhead--thrusting at warp speed into stupidhead extraordinaire. (SP?)

Okay, so I go on another date last night. I honestly should be duct taped to my office chair and never allowed to make a move on a man based on my own piss poor judgement.

Leave it to me to find the all time schmuck this side of single-dom. It's a talent really. I'm naturally gifted .

Now, aside from the last guy who was just whiny--I've had some pretty good dates. No chemistry, mind you, but nice men who just didn't float my boat in the river of sexuality. I'm all good with that. They were good with that too--they took it like MEN.

Anyway--stupidhead two.

Tall, bald and cute. We chatted very nicely for several days via e-mail and then over the phone. I agree to go out with him. During the course of our interaction, he's thrown confidence around like so much trash about how hot I'll be for him and how gorgeous he thinks I am. I always throw a stone in the ripple of the chemistry pool by mentioning that I haven't met anyone who's made me want to rattle their bones, but I'm open to the possibility.

Stupidhead Two is CERTAIN I'll want him. I like confidence in a guy. It beats the snot out of the one's who e-mail and say--I'm probably not what you're looking for, but... That turns me off pronto.

So, I figure if nothing else this guy is secure.

See above bad judgement statement for just how wrong I was.

We meet at a club in a part of town I'm totally not familiar with. I get lost--I call him, he doesn't offer to come rescue me--he asks me what would you like me to do about it. It wasn't like I was interrupting his daily grooming--he's BALD. What else did he have to do that was so pressing he couldn't come find me, I ask you?

Long story short, I find him--we meet--he tells me how fabulous I am and waits for me to say the same. Shoot, I hope he wasn't timing me...

He was attractive enough--that's not what this is about to me. It's about the total package. Or a package that makes my libido say YIPPEE SKIPPEE.

Wasn't happening. Nary a squeak.

So we go into loud bar and we get a drink and I try to hear him over loud, albeit good music. I'm still hoarse from RT, but I am, if nothing else, good at conversation.

We converse. He gets a bit touchy-feely. I don't much fancy touchy-feely. I laugh at something he says and touch his chest (purely by accident) and find that he has man-boobs.

it was quite by accident and from that point on, I kinda shuddered. I don't want to be superficial, but, it just wasn't working in his favor.

I set that aside in favor of the massages he tells me he's so good at and the questions he keeps asking about whether I want him like he wants me.

Could I have a little foreplay here? I ain't even lukewarm yet and we're talking massages and him being my newest "hobby".

I want to go home now. I'm saved by the fact that he has to go to church with his children in the morning.

We leave--he drives me to my car. I say thanks and take care.

Buh-bye.

This morning I awaken to an e-mail that says I had a good time, but I'm guessing you weren't attracted to me.

Hmmmm, was it the way I flew from your car on the heels of the devil himself--or the way I cringed when you kept putting your arm around me?

I respond quite nicely, thank you--I don't feel we connected on all levels, but I wish you well in finding the woman of your dreams.

He responds--whatever. You say one thing and do another.

I should have let it go, but I didn't...cuz I can't and I'm up for a good bash. Hell, I invented the one-line comeback. Let's brawl in verbage, baby. I say--maybe you're just reading into things to slant them in your favor and I'm sorry you feel that way. Take care

He says--I think you're still in love with your ex husband.

Hookay, Kojack--ya wanna play--let's do this. I say--I'm sure you console yourself with that because it's much easier than the truth which is that I don't find you PHYSICALLY PLEASING. Take care--see ya--TTFN.

We spoke very briefly about my ex--he's in Jersey--I'm here. That was the enormous extent of ex chatter. All of a sudden he's what, The Amazing Creskin??? Able to read women's minds in a single leap to ludicrous conclusions?

What is it about a man that makes them keep looking to be whaled?

He says--(because giving up would just make it worse)...At least I didn't lie about my appearance--there's no way you're 130 lbs.

Oh, okay, body beautiful--let's talk rippled abs and buns of steel. All of which you do NOT possess. Now, we're going to attack me because you're not man enough to accept NO? What happened to all those women you said you could have? Aren't they lining up outside your door, big boy? Surely ONE of those women you boasted about is 130lbs and find man breasts appealing? He did tell me that he could have anyone he wanted. Ahhh, but then he met me. If you can have anyone you want, wee man, why are you harping on me. Throw a bone to one of your many babes and blow.

Now, I'm tweaked. I wanted to send him a pic of me on my scale, but he's much like the boy at the dance who's been turned down and then, in turn writes something smarmy on the bathroom wall the next day out of revenge.

So, I beat him to the bathroom stall with--Well, at least I'm the right gender to be the proud owner of BREASTS.

And then I tell him if he e-mails again, I'll e-mail the online site that he's harrassing me.

Then I block him.

So tell me, what the hell is it about a man who can't stand to be rejected? How is it that my ass was hot all during our date and then, it was the size of a Mac truck?

I was honest in telling him that thus far I'd not met anyone who whipped me into a frenzy. If he thought he could--good on him. He didn't. Did he think talk of massages and the idea of him naked wouldn't make me want to gouge my minds eye out--let alone go out with him again?

What's a girl gotta do to say thanks, but no thanks. It's not like I jerked him around for a trip to the Bahamas. He spent like 25 bucks on a drink and a Pepsi. It beat the hell out of him sitting at home in front of the television, whacking off to Ren and Stimpy, didn't it?

So explain the bitter, would ya?

Wouldn't saving face be the way to go--bow out gracefully? If I wasn't so hot--how come you e-mailed me in the first place?

Sometimes men can be spiteful, veangfeful, wee brained, stupidheads. Not all of them. I've been witness to some great guys. Charlie Burton, Kate Douglas' hubby. my editor Sheri's husband and Angela Knight's hubby. Superior men. Fine examples of love at it's best. Gentleman who allow me to tease and joke with them, but send a clear vibe about who's numero UNO in their hearts.

I remember watching AK's hubby watch her coming up an escalator at RT. We were waiting for her to go to lunch and his face was that of the besotted. The utterly and totally in L-O-V-E. I said that to him, "Man, you got it bad, eh?" and he smiled and said, "Yep, I do."

This is what I intend to hold out for until I'm purple in the face :)

There's just no comparison to those men and the idiot I graced with my presence last eve.

Yep, he's officially stupidhead number two.

Onto the next kill...:)

Dakota :)

4 Comments:

  • At 8:54 PM, Anonymous Sheryl said…

    Hmmm.......well......I say.....NEXT!!!

    You could do without any guys like stupidhead 2!!

    Don't know what it is with guys that say one thing but do another. Maybe this guy was upset that you wouldn't play with his man-boobs? *snort*

    Wow, all I can say is, I want what you want!!

    GO KOTA BABE

     
  • At 9:23 PM, Blogger Jaynie R said…

    What a dumbass. He doesn't realise what he's missing, and you my dear, are way too good for that freak.

    I'm telling you - no more bald men unless they look like Vin. The guy obviously has serious issues.

    Good Luck with the next victim *G*

     
  • At 5:01 AM, Blogger Angela James said…

    Clearly, yet another man who does not deserve our Kota ;) Perhaps you should be having the babes do pre-screening for you.

     
  • At 5:13 AM, Blogger Samantha Reynolds said…

    Another road bump, dude. Yeesh...Another one bites the dust. Go for a cowboy next, can't be worse right?
    *sigh* feeling for our Dakota!
    Sam

     

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